Clean Jokes!
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his
office.
"What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kinds of a namby-pamby place you
worked before, but I don't call anyone by his or her first name. It breeds familiarity and
that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only...
Smith, Jones, Baker...
That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight,
what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "
A man died and went to hell. Upon arrival he met with the chief devil in charge.
Devil: We run things a bit differently nowadays, you get to pick your own personal hell.
Man: That's not so bad, whatcha got?
Devil: Well, I'm going to open a series of doors, look inside, assess the situation and
then tell me if that's where you want to spend eternity.
Man: OK.
The devil opens the first door and there's a room of people standing on their heads on a
hardwood floor.
Man: Ouch, that seems painful. It's not for me, what's next?
The devil opens the next door to reveal the same situation, only on concrete floors.
Man: That looks worse, got anything left?
The devil opens the third door to reveal a room full of people standing knee deep in shit
drinking coffee.
Man: Well, the shit smells but I could stand the smell and drink coffee all day. I'll take
this one.
Devil: Are you sure this is the one you want?
Man: Absolutely!
The devil smiles and escorts him in the room shuts and locks the door. As soon as the door
closes, a whistle blows and a loud speaker says "Alright, coffee break is over, back
on your heads."
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes out and buys a gun. Sure
enough, when she comes home, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.
The blonde is angry , she opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is
overcome with grief. She takes the gun and points it to her head. The boyfriend yells
"No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next."
A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest
advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. "I know," he says, "they
say 'you can't take it with you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to
have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing
one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the
envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have
something." They each agree to carry out his wish.
Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the
three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three
are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, "Friends, I
have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the
cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new
one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the
coffin as he asked."
At this the priest says, "I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church
is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we
have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put
the rest in the coffin as out friend requested."
Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says "I am astonished and deeply
disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want
you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred
thousand dollars."
A man buys a huge new car and shows it to his neighbor. Its great says the neighbor but
does it have a bed in like mine? But your car is tiny says the man. Yes but watch this,
the neighbor presses a button on his tiny car's dashboard and a bed unfolds. The man
rushes back to the car showroom and demands a bed be fitted to his new car. The next day
the man takes his huge car ( now fitted with a bed ) to show his neighbor but the neighbor
is out. The man drives around looking for the neighbor and sees his car parked up in a
rest stop with all the windows steamed up! The man goes to the car and starts banging ion
the window. There is no signs of the neighbor and the windows are too steamed up to see
inside. He bangs again, and again and eventually the neighbor ( naked ) wipes a circle
into the steamed up window. "What the hell do you want?" "My car has a bed
like yours!"
"GEEZ! you got me out the shower to tell me that!!!"
Among the political circle in WWII England, it was common knowledge that Lady Astor,
had a strong dislike for (her words), "that cigar smoking, whiskey drinking, vulgar
Prime Minister Winston Churchill." Mr. Churchill was aware of this situation, but
would never express his feelings on this matter to close friends, or during
interviews....until one particular evening, at a large ceremonial dinner which Mr.
Churchill attended. After dinner everyone retired to an adjacent ballroom for dancing and
conversation. As the story goes, there was a row of discussion groups at the far end of
the ballroom, and Mr. Churchill was in the last one, an all male group. Lady Astor was
gradually working her way down to Mr. Churchill's group, and was approaching from his
rear. A friend standing next to Mr. Churchill alerted him of her approach. At that moment
he lashed out several obscenities in reference to Adolf Hitler. Lady Astor seized the
opprunity to publicly embarrass Mr. Churchill. In a very loud tone of voice she said:
"Mr. Prime Minister, you're vulgar and your drunk!" Mr. Churchill slowly turned
and said: "Yes madam, that may very well be, but you're ugly....and when I awake in
the morning...I'll be sober!
A man walked into his back yard one morning and found a gorilla in a tree. he called a
gorilla-removal service and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of
handcuffs and a shotgun. "Now listen carefully", he told the homeowner.
"I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to
the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when
the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap on the
handcuffs."
"Got it" the homeowner replied. "But what what's the shotgun for?"
"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla," the man said, "shoot the
Chihuahua."
There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the
Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant
and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over
to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and
he starts to walk in.
A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye
dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."
The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of
dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets
allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye
dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"
President Clinton went to an elementary school to address a group of children about
tragedies. Before he started, he asked the children to give him an example of a tragedy.
Several students raised their hands and he selected a little girl. The girl said, "If
a boy chased a ball into the street and was killed by a car, that would be a
tragedy."
Mr. Clinton replied, "No, that would be an accident."
A second student said, "If a bus full of children drove over a cliff and all were
killed, that would be a tragedy."
The President thought for a moment and said, "No, I believe that would be a great
loss." Clinton asked the class again and no one raised a hand. He said, "Surely
someone can give me an example of a true tragedy.
"Finally a little boy spoke up and said, "If you and Mrs. Clinton were on Air
Force 1 and a bomb exploded and you both were killed, that would be a true tragedy".
The President was very glad and said, "Yes, that would be a tragedy. Can you explain
why?"
The little boy said, "Well, it wouldn't be an accident and it sure wouldn't be a
great loss!"
President Clinton is arriving back in D.C. after a trip to his home state of Arkansas.
He steps out of the plane carrying two pigs, one under each arm. When he reaches the
bottom of the stairs the Marine guard sharply salutes him as usual.
Clinton says: "I'd like to salute you back son, but as you can see my hands are
full."
The Marine replies: "Yes Sir! Mighty fine pigs Sir!"
President Clinton responds: "These aren't just ordinary pigs Marine, they are pure
Arkansas Razorback Pigs!!"
The Marine replies: "Yes Sir! Mighty fine Razorbacks Sir!"
The President then responds; "I got this one for Hillary, and this one for
Chelsea."
The Marine guard then replies; "Yes Sir! Good trade Sir!"
Last winter, Bill Clinton went out jogging. As he came upon a snow drift, he noticed
writing on a nearby snow mound. It said, in urine, "Bill Clinton sucks." Enraged
at such infantile humor, Bill ordered the secret service to find out who had written the
note.
Two days later, Bill sat in his office. The head of the secret service entered "Sir,
we've finished analyzing the evidence. I have good news and bad news," he explained.
"Well," prodded the president, "Get on with it. Give me the good news
first."
"Well, sir, we analyzed the urine. It's Al Gore's urine."
The president shot up out of his seat. "What!" he screamed, "That's the
good news??? Well, what's the bad news??"
"It's Hillary's handwriting...."
Bill Clinton was walking down the beach when he stumbled upon a lamp. He picked up the
lamp and rubbed it. Behold, a genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got 3
wishes?
The genie told Bill that due to inflation and tough economic times, only 1 wish could be
granted.
Bill thought a minute and said, "I wish for peace in the Middle East." "See
this map?" "I want these countries to stop fighting."
The genie looked at the map and said, "you must be from Arkansas!" "These
countries have been fighting for thousands of years." "I'm good, but not that
good,I don't think it can be done." "Go ahead and make another wish
instead."
Again, Bill thought a minute and said, "You know people really don't like my
wife." "They think she's a real bitch and ugly as sin." "I wish that
she be made the most beautiful and well liked woman in the whole world."
The genie thought for a minute and said, "Can I see that map again?"
The president and the first lady go to a baseball game, and get homeplate seats. They
get comfortable, and shortly after the umpire walks over and whispers something in the
presidents ear. And a few minutes later the president stands up and throws the first lady
onto the field. The umpire stands there, looking puzzled for a moment, the he walks over
to the president and says, "I said the first PITCH, Mr. President, the first
PITCH!"
Hillary Clinton went in for her annual checkup. When finished, she asked her doctor how
things looked. He said he was pleased, she's in great shape, but that she was pregnant!
She told the doctor there was no way, but he said that she most definitely was a month
pregnant. Well, she stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist and snatched up
the phone and called the White House.
When the operator answered she said that it was Hillary and that she wanted to talk to
Bill immediately.
Well they rang the oval office and Bill answered.
Hillary said "Do you know what you did, you rotten Idiot? You got me
pregnant!!!"
The President was silent.
Again, Hillary screamed, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU ROTTEN IDIOT? YOU GOT ME
PREGNANT!!!"
Finally Bill answered, "Who is this???"
Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives
were in labor.
The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, You're the
father of twins."
"What a coincidence" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the
Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You sir, are the
father of triplets."
"Wow, That's really an incredible coincidence " he answered. "I work for
the 3M Corporation." My buddies at work will never let me live this one down.
An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back,
this time she turn to the 3rd man - who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that
his wife had just given birth to quadruplets.
Stunned, he barely could reply.
"Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.
After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work for the
Four Seasons Hotel." After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy,
who had just fainted, flat out on the floor.
The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.
When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him whispering repeatedly the same
phrase over and over again.
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up...
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess
tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde
replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart and I have a good job and I'm staying in first class
until we reach Jamaica." The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman
to leave and she says "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in
first class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardesses don't know what to do because
they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the co-pilot.
The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and
goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the co-pilot what he said
to get her to move.
The co-pilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to
Jamaica".
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair
cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she
stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said
to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The
shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!" The blonde thought for a moment
and, for no discernible reason, said, "352." This being the correct number, the
shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K.,
I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock." The blonde carefully
considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more
playful than any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said,
"O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I
have my dog back?"
A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with
the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying,
"Ehhhh .. 22!"
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell
us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps
one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the
measurement and announces, "Five foot two!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And uhh, just
to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something
silently to herself, before replying, "Mandy!"
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "Just out of
curiosity, Miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and
the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you
your name?"
"Ohh that!", replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happy
birthday to you, happy birthday to you....'"
A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there
was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying "T-G-I-F (letters
only)".
He smiled at her and replied "S-H-I-T (letters only)". She looked at him,
puzzled, and said "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering "S-H-I-T". The blond was trying to
be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly
"T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression,
"S-H-I-T".
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank
Goodness Its Friday; get it?".
The man answered, "Sorry Honey, It's Thursday".
NOVICE: Do clever men make good husbands?
SAGE: Clever men don't BECOME husbands!
When met by a long procession of people led by a man with a dog, Joe asked the man,
"Who died?"
"My Mother in law."
"How?"
"The dog bit her."
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.
WIFE: The 2 things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.
HUSBAND: Which is this?
NEWLYWED: Do you want dinner?
SPOUSE: Sure, what are my choices?
NEWLYWED: Yes and no.
DIET DEFINITION: The word 'stressed' makes perfect sense when you realize it is 'desserts' spelled backwards.
TRUE LOVE:
A young man was extolling the virtues of his beautiful fiancee. One of his closest friends
said to him: "You can't be serious about marrying Sarah Jane!"
"Why?", he asked.
"She's dated every man in Phoenix."
The bridegroom-to-be thought awhile and then muttered pensively, "Phoenix isn't such
a big town."
MRS MURPHY'S LAW: If anything can go wrong, it will go wrong when he's out of town.
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"
This guy goes to a party without his wife. He hears this other guy say to his wife
"Pass the sugar, Honey." and "Pass the honey, Sugar." He thinks this
sort of speech is a good idea.
So, the morning when he and his wife are eating breakfast he says to his wife, "Pass
the bacon, Pig."
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded,
"If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied,
"My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."
A man walks into an antique store, and starts looking around. All of the sudden he
spies a huge BRASS RAT in the corner. He falls in love with it, and so he takes it to the
cashier.
"The rat, eh?" says the old grizzly cashier
"um, yeah...how much?" replies our friend
"Well, five bucks for the rat--but 200 dollars for the story," he replied.
"I'll just take the rat, without the story." Says the customer.
He leaves the store, his precious brass rat tucked under his arm. Soon he begins to notice
that a few rats are following him. He walks a few more blocks and the number of rats
behind him increased . This continued, until there were virtually millions of rats behind
him. Afraid of this mass following the man ran to the sea and threw the rat in. All of the
rats plunged in after it, and met their watery deaths.
The man ran back to the antique store. The old cashier was chuckling to himself. "So
now do you want the story?"
"No," said the man, "but have you got any brass democrats?"
A guy responds to a job position at the city zoo. The ad mentioned the salary but not
what he would be doing. Come to find out that the zoo's gorilla had unexpectedly passed
away. The zoo had just spent millions on promotions which focused on the gorilla and now
they needed a gorilla. the guy really needed the job and the money was good so he
accepted. Every day he would put on the gorilla suit, hang out in his cage and be the
gorilla.
After a while he started enjoying himself. He would scare little kids, roar at the crowds,
and eat bananas and stuff. You know, gorilla things. As time wore on he became the main
attraction at the zoo. He would swing on his trees and vines, and the people loved him.
One particularly busy Saturday he was swinging around and accidentally swings over his
fence and lands in the lion's cage. The lion slowly opens his eyes and sees the gorilla.
The lion begins to stalk. The lion, now drooling and wide awake, slowly approaches the
gorilla who is backed up against the fence. The lion is ready to jump, then the gorilla
started yelling, "Help! Help! I'm not a gorilla. I'm a man! help, help !!" Then
the lion said, " Shut-up stupid, or we'll both get fired! "
There were these three guys going through the final phase of a job as a spy with the
CIA. The instructor said this is the final test. We must test your capability of taking
orders of all requests and fulfilling those orders faithfully and with no questions asked.
You pass this, you're in. You fail this, you're out.
So the instructor hands the first recruit a gun and says "Behind that door, is your
girlfriend. Take the gun and shoot her dead, you have 30 seconds". After about 20
seconds the guy comes out with his girlfriend and says, "I can't do it, I'm
out".
Then the instructor hands the second recruit a gun and says "Behind that door, is
your fiance'. Take the gun and shoot her dead, you have 30 seconds". After about 20
seconds the guy comes out with his fiance' and says, "I can't do it, I'm out".
Then the instructor hands the third recruit a gun and says "Behind that door, is your
wife of ten years. Take the gun and shoot her dead, you have 30 seconds". After about
15 seconds there's this terrible commotion from behind the door and finally the guy comes
out and the instructor says, "What the hell happened in there?".
The new recruit replies "Some bloke put blanks in the gun and I had to beat her to
death with the chair. Am I in?".
"Bite the wax tadpole."
-- Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese
"Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave."
-- ad slogan "Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese
"I am a jelly doughnut"
--English translation of John F. Kennedy speaking at the Berlin Wall
"We pray for MacArthur's erection."
--sign erected by Japanese citizens in Tokyo, when MacArthur was considering a run for
President
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."
--from a guest directory at a Japanese hotel, 1991
"It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant."
--Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad
Perhaps difficult enough for adults to define, this question received some interesting
responses from those of a younger generation...
What Exactly Is Marriage??
"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her
parents" -Eric, AGE 6
"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says
to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced,
but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering
what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out."
-Anita, AGE 9
How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry??
"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the
next one." -Kelly, AGE 9
"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find
somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -Carolyn, AGE 8
Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married.
"Eighty-four Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend
all your time loving each other in your bedroom." -Carolyn, AGE 8
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" -Bert, AGE 5
How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet??
"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but
their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out
about their values." -Lottie, AGE 9
"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what
kind." -Jeremy, AGE 8
What Do Most People Do on a Date??
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them
interested enough to go for a second date." -Martin, AGE 10
"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." -Craig,
AGE 9
When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone??
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her
own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -Allan, AGE 10
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees
you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for
a few hours." -Kally, AGE 9
A priest is hearing confessions as usual, until he hears on one side of the
confessional loud stumbling noises and a crash. Quickly finishing with the woman on the
other side, he turns his head and opens the sliding window. A rank, booze-laden smell
slaps him across the face, and he chokes out words: "What in the name of
GOD?..."
A voice from the other side of the window gives off a long, slow groan. Now the booth is
flooded with another, even more foul odor! "Who in the blazes is THAT?" bellows
the priest, completely out of patience by now.
"Oh, Father Murphy! It's O'Brien. Thank GOD you're there (hic). Tell me, Father, is
there any paper on your side?"
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown NY City
bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.
The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral.
"Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man said.
The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe
keeping, and gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan
and get his car back.
"That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer
said.
The man wrote out a check and started to walk away. "Wait sir", the loan officer
said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would
you need to borrow $5,000?"
The man smiled."Where else could I get a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in
Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when
he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the
south of England, then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he
could not find a seat. He was dead on this feet and walked the length of the train looking
for any place to sit down.
Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people
on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog
sitting in the empty seat beside her.
"Could I please sit in that seat" he asked. The lady was insulted; "You
Americans are so rude" she said, "can't you see my dog is sitting there"?
He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at
the same place. "Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to
hold your dog if I can sit down" he said. The lady replied "You Americans are
not only rude you are arrogant" she said. He leaned against the wall for a time, but
was so tired he finally said "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three
months with not a decent rest for all that time; could I please sit there and hold your
dog?"
The lady replied "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also
obnoxious." With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog,
threw it out the widow, and sat down. The lady was speechless.
An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. "Young
man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do
know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road,
you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have thrown the wrong bitch out of the
window."
Laws of Love:
1.People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else.
2.The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long
enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person.
Beifeld's Principle:
The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by
pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of:
1.a date
2.his wife
3.a better looking and richer male friend
Corollaries to Beifeld's Principle:
1.There are two kinds of men in this world, nice guys and assholes.
2.Most women are attracted to assholes.
3.Women that date assholes operate under the faulty assumption that assholes are basically
nice guys underneath, and will stop being assholes for them.
4.Assholes rarely stop being assholes for one primary reason-- -- they're assholes.
5.Women that marry assholes:
(A) suffer through a miserable marriage with the asshole.
(B) divorce them and:
(1) marry another asshole (see #5 for possible scenario)
(2) wise up and marry a nice guy
(3) give up and stay single
(C) occasionally have a miracle occur and the asshole actually changes and become a nice
guy (extremely rare)
6.The number of women who are looking for nice guys is considerably lower than the supply
of them
7.Nice guys finish last, because they refuse to treat women like shit and become what they
despise (ie, assholes)
8.Your attraction to someone is directly proportional to their attraction to someone else
(If you're interested, they aren't)
9.The attraction of someone else to you is inversely proportional to your attraction to
them (If they're interested, you aren't)
1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.
2. Woman don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you're sick of him.
4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things
too.
5. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one -- they try harder.
7. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.
8. A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.
9. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
10. Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to pee.
11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he
is.
12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a woman.
13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -- strong, caring, loving --
they'd be wrong but you could still use them.
14. Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially violent -- but they make
great pets.
15. Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.
16. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and
"stop".
17. Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's.
Made a phone call the other day from my office. When a man answered, I politely said
"This is Joe Smith. Could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone
slammed down on me. I couldn't believe anyone could be so rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number; she had transposed the last two digits. After
talking to her, I noticed the wrong number still lying on my desk. I decided to call back.
When the same guy answered, I yelled "You're a Jerk!!" and hung up. Then, next
to his number, I wrote "Jerk," and put it in my desk. Every couple of weeks,
when I was paying bills or having a really bad day, I'd call him. He'd answer, and I'd
yell "You're a jerk!" and it would always cheer me up.
The reason I took time to tell you this story is to show you how, if there's anything
really bothering you, you can do something about it.
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of a parking space, but finally
started to leave. Just as I was about to pull in, a black Camaro with racing stripes comes
flying down the aisle in the wrong direction and whips into her space. I honked my horn
and yelled "I was here first!" but he just walked away ignoring me. Then I
noticed he had a FOR SALE sign in his car. A few hours later I called the number on the
sign and asked if this was the person with the Camaro for sale. He said yes so I asked
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes," he said. "My name is
Don Hansen and I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked
right out front."
"Listen, Don," I said, "can I tell you something? You're a JERK!!"
For a while things seemed better. Now I had TWO people to call when I was cranky. But
after a while it got boring. So I decided to do something about it. First I dialed Jerk
#1. The guy answered, I yelled "You're a Jerk!" but didn't hang up. The Jerk
said "Are you still there?" I said "Yeah." He said "Stop calling
me." I said "No." He said, "What's your name, Pal?" I said
"Don Hansen." He said "Where do you live?" I said "1802 West 34th
St. It's a yellow house and my black camaro's parked out front." He said "I'm
coming over right now, Don. You better say your prayers." "Yeah, like I'm really
scared, Jerk!" and I hung up. Then I called Jerk #2. He answered, and I said
"Hello, Jerk!" He said "If I ever find out who you are ..."
"You'll what?" "I'll kick your butt." "Well, here's your chance
because I'm coming over right now, Jerk!!" And I hung up. Then I called the cops and
told them a big fight was going down at 1802 West 34th Street. After that, I climbed into
my car and headed over to 34th St. to watch.
Two guys were fighting in front of Jerk #2's house. Suddenly there were about 12 police
cars, dogs and a helicopter. The cops wrestled the guys to the ground and took them away.
A couple of months later, I got a call for jury duty, for two guys charged with disorderly
conduct. I might have influenced the outcome because the jury verdict said "We the
jury find the defendants to be guilty and to be a couple of jerks!"
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Always remember you are unique, just like everybody else.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Then there was this ten-year old child who shot both his parents and pleaded with the
judge for mercy because he was an orphan.
***
Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son: Just a radio, dad, with a sports car around it.
***
The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?"
"Sure, " replied her lover "What's your phone number?"
**
Young Man: Would you like to dance with me?
Young Woman: Do you expect me to dance with a baby!
Young Man: I'm so sorry. I didn't know you were pregnant.
**
If a man is bald at the front, he is a thinker. If he is bald at the back, he is sexy. If
he is bald from front to back - he thinks he is sexy.
***
A young woman went into a bank to withdraw some money. "Can you identify
yourself?" asked the bank clerk.
The young woman opened her handbag, took out a mirror, looked into it and said, "Yes,
it's me alright."
***
A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, "I heard you died."
"But you see I'm alive ," smiled the friend.
"Impossible," said the psychiatrist. "The man who told me is much more
reliable than you."
***
Doctor : We operated on your eyes and we've managed to save one of them.
Patient: Oh, thank you very much.
Doctor : Yes, we'll give it to you on your way out.
***
A man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked, "Doctor, will I be
able to read after wearing glasses?"
"Yes, of course," said the doctor, "why not!"
"Oh! How nice it would be ," said the patient with joy, "I have been
illiterate for so long."
***
"I have a bad headache. I'll visit the doctor."
"Nonsense, yesterday I had a headache, I dashed home, gave a big kiss to my wife and
the pain disappeared. Why don't you try it?"
"Good idea, call up your wife and tell her I'll be right over."
***
A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the
gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you , your honour, I'll have a scotch and
soda."
***
A guy about to be electrocuted phoned his lawyer from the death chamber.
"They are about to make me sit in the electric chair. You are my lawyer, tell me what
do I do now?"
The lawyer thought for a moment and then said, "Don't sit down."
***
Court scene:
1st Lawyer: You're a fool
2nd Lawyer: And you're a damn fool.
Judge : As the learned lawyers have now identified each other, can we now proceed with the
case.
***
The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary. He
shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"
The manager replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge."
***
"Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that
night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms. Why Dad? Tell me
why!"
Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, " Maybe, Son, she didn't get the
fax."
***
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said,
"Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet.
Why don't you do that?" "I would love to," replied the husband, "but I
don't know her well enough."
***
The wife phoned her husband in the office and said, "Darling, come home early, we are
going to have my mother for dinner."
"Good," replied the husband, "make sure she's well done."
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he
asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "Next Sunday why don't
you try putting a little vodka in your chalice to help you relax?" So the next Sunday
he took the monsignor's advice and talked up a storm. After mass he again asked the
monsignor how he had done. The monsignor said fine, but there were a few small details
that had to be straightened out.
1) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
2) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
3) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
4) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
5) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
6) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
7) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
8) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off
his ass.
9) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling
contest at St. Taffy's.
10) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for
it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
11) Moses parted water at the Red Sea, He didn't pass water.
12) We do not refer to Judas as El Finko.
13) The Blessed Virgin Mary will not be called Mary with the Cherry.
14) And finally, we do not refer to the Pope as the Godfather.
One year at Harvard, there was a really huge lecture with four or five hundred people.
Nobody liked the class because it was really hard, and it was just too big. When their
final rolled around, everybody was really nervous. before they began, the professor said,
"You are allotted exactly two hours to complete this exam. Anyone who does not stop
writing after time has been called will fail this course". Everyone wanted to make
sure they finished so they started working really frantically right away, except for one
kid, who took his time and seemed really relaxed. When the professor said that there was
one minute remaining, everyone broke into a cold sweat and started writing even more
frantically, except for that one guy, who is still taking his time. When the professor
says "pencils down" everybody stops writing and goes to hand in their exams. The
one kid, however, just keeps writing. the professor can't believe his eyes. He's so
shocked, he doesn't know what to do. About ten minutes later, the kid finally goes to hand
in his exam.
"Are you crazy?" the professor says, "I told you that you'd fail if you
wrote past two hours. Why bother finishing? You fail"
"Wait," says the student, "do you know who I am?"
"What does that matter?"
"Answer me. Do you know who I am?"
"You can't use your connections to influence me. It doesn't matter who you are."
"Just tell me," says the kid, "Do you know who i am?"
"No!" says the professor "Who the hell are you?"
The kid grabs the stack of exams and shoves his own somewhere in the middle of the pile.
"Now you never will", he says.
While working with Mr. Murthy, I have always found him
working studiously and sincerely at his table without idling or
gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom
wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always
finishes the given assignment in time. He will always be
deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
found chit-chatting in the cafeteria. He has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be
classed as outstanding, and should on no account be
dispensed with
I strongly feel that Mr. Murthy should be pushed to accept promotion, dispensed with.
and a proposal to administration be sent as soon as possible.
Sd/-
Branch Manager
PS: MR. MURTHY WAS PRESENT WHEN I WAS WRITING THIS REPORT EARLIER TODAY. KINDLY READ ONLY
THE ALTERNATE LINES 1,3,5... FOR MY TRUE ASSESSMENT OF HIM.
REGARDS
Sd/-
Branch Manager
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store.In fact it
was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.
The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"
"Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of
him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close
up."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The
boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?".
"One," said the young salesman.
"Only one," blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish
hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing
line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said
down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat
department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his
Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and
sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy
who came in for a fish hook?"
"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his
wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical.
After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years
later his company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having
with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone
else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired
engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At
the end of the day he marked a small x in chalk on a particular component of the machine
and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and
the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded
an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark .. ..... ..... $1
Knowing where to put it ..... $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired in peace.
Three chemical engineers are out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they
catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish.
Now one of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says: "OK, if you can really grant
wishes, then double my IQ." The mermaid says: Done." Suddenly, the guy starts
reciting fluid mechanics equations flawlessly and analyzing them with extreme insight.
The second guy is so amazed, he says to the mermaid: "Triple my IQ."
The mermaid says: "Done." The guy starts to spew out all the mathematical
solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists in various disciplines of
porous media; low tension; coating and drying problems, etc. The last chemical engineer is
so enthralled with the changes in his friends that he says to the mermaid: "Quintuple
my IQ."
The mermaid looks at him and says: "You know, I normally don't try to change people's
minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you'd reconsider." The guy says:
"Nope, I want you to increase my IQ times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set
you free." "Please," says the mermaid. "You don't know what you're
asking... it'll change your entire view on the universe...won't you ask for something
else...a million dollars, anything?"
But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his IQ increased by five
times its usual power. So the mermaid sighed and said: "Done."
.....and he became a woman.
By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've
got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded. "Or just a bed--I don't care
where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the
manager,"and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores
so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be
worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning John, came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Never
better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring,then?"
"Nope. I shut him up in no time?"
"How'd you manage that?"
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," John said.
"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful.' With that
he sat up all night watching me.
A guy is walking through China Town in New York. He is fascinated by all the Chinese
restaurants, the shops, the signs and banners on all the buildings.He is having the
greatest time just walking and looking around. He turns a corner and sees a building with
a sign that says "Hans Olafsen's Laundry". "Hans Olafsen?" he thinks.
"How in the world does that fit in here?"
So, he walks into the shop and sees and old chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The
visitor asks "How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olafsen's
Laundry?"
The old man says "Is name of owner."
The visitor asks "Who in the heck is the owner?".
"I am he" answers the oldman.
"You, how in the heck did you ever get a name like Hans Olafsen?".
The old man replies..."Many years ago, when come to this country, I standing inline
at immigration office. Man in front was big Swede. Lady look at him and say "What
your name?" and he say "Hans Olafsen". Next, she look at me ... "What
your name?" I say "Saim Ting."
Two foreigners arrived in America. On their first day in New York City, they spied a
hot dog vendor in the street. "Do they eat dogs in America?" one asked the
other.
"I dunno."
"Well, let's try one."
So they each bought a hot dog wrapped up in wax paper and sat down to eat them on a nearby
park bench. One guy looked inside his wax paper, then over at the other and asked,
"What part did you get?"
Staking out a notoriously rowdy bar for possible drunken drivers a policeman watched
from his squad car as a fellow stumbled out the door, tripped on the curb and tried 45
cars before opening the door to his own and falling asleep on the front seat.
One by one, the drivers of the other cars drove off.
Finally, the sleeper woke up, started his car and began to leave. The policeman thought
"Now I have my chance, I'm gonna get him."
He ran over to the car, pulled the driver out of the car and forced him to take a
Breathalyzer test to determine the level of alcohol
When the results showed a 0.0 blood-alcohol level, the puzzled policeman asked him how
that was possible.
"Easy," said the man, as he smiled from ear to ear. "Tonight was my turn to
be the designated decoy"
There's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half-an-hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the
guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking.
Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go
late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I
found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return
home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab
driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the
gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end
to my life, you show up and drink my poison . . ."
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at
her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at
the Guinness brewery..."
Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
Sign My
Guestbook
View My Guestbook
Number of persons so far visited us are:
