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Holy Ass

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline:

PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read:

PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the headline read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day.

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Dry

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."

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Sentenced

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a   muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, crying.

She asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

He replied: "Remember when your father caught us together, when you were 16? Remember he said I had a choice: I could either marry you, or be sent away to prison for the next 20 years."

Baffled, she said, "yes."

The husband bawled, "I would have been released from prison today."

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Trucker

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed  his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph,  not much of a man, was he?".

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.".

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Mrs. Brown

Mrs. Brown were very happy over the twelve pound baby boy that was born to them. Mr. Brown who could not conceal his delight, called up the editor of a famous newspaper and reported that he became the proud owner of a twelve pound nugget of gold. The editor upon hearing the seemingly extraordinary news was rather hesitant to accept it at its face value. So he sent his star reporter to interview Mr. Brown. When the reporter came, Mr. Brown was away and his wife was alone at home. The following interesting conversation took place between the reporter and Mrs. Brown:

Reporter : Does Mr. Brown Live here?

Mrs. Brown : Oh! Yes.

Reporter : Is he in?

Mrs. Brown : Why no, he went somewhere.

Reporter : Is it true that he owns a twelve pound nugget of gold?

Mrs. Brown : (Seeing the joke) Yes, indeed.

Reporter : Can I see the place where he found it?

Mrs. Brown : I am afraid, not because Mr. Brown objects in as much as it is strictly private.

Reporter : Is the place far?

Mrs. Brown : No, it is quite near and convenient.

Reporter : How many years has Mr. Brown been digging the hole?

Mrs. Brown : Just for about ten months.

Reporter : Is the hole deep?

Mrs. Brown : Quite soā

Reporter : Has Mr. Brown reached the bottom of it?

Mrs. Brown : Not yet, but he is coming nearā

Reporter : At about what time does Mr. Brown starts digging?

Mrs. Brown : Oh, he does his digging mostly at night.

Reporter : Does he work hard on it?

Mrs. Brown : You betāāā..and how he perspires.

Reporter : Is Mr. Brown the first to dig?

Mrs. Brown : He thought he wasā

Reporter : How do you know there was someone ahead of him?

Mrs. Brown : I am in a good position to say so, because I own the place.

Reporter : Oh, I see, but you sold the place to Mr. Brown?

Mrs. Brown : No, but for the present, he has the legal title to the site, with my consent.

Reporter : Has Mr. Brown any helper when he works on the claim?

Mrs. Brown : Yes, I work under himā

Reporter : When do you think Mr. Brown will sell the place?

Mrs. Brown : I think not because he enjoys working on it.

Reporter : Can I atleast see the twelve pound nugget of gold?

Mrs. Brown : Why, certainly (and she showed him the twelve pound baby boy).

P.S.: The reporter has to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance.

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Confession

It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During W.W.II I hid a Jewish man in my attic."

"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."

"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind.   Er, I have one more question..."

"What is that, my son?"

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

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Home Alone

A traveling salesman rings the doorbell and 10-year old Little Johnny answers holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says, "Little boy, is your mother home?"

Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What the hell do you think?"

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Information

"Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company."

"Would you spell that, please?"

"Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you."

The operator pauses. "Just a minute, sir.  I'll connect you with my supervisor. . . . ."

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Cheap

A few years ago in Bloomington, Illinois there was an ad ran in the paper for a car that was about a year old with less than 5,000 miles on it and the price in the paper was $50.00.  Most people thought it a hoax, so only one person called about the car, a nineteen year old college student. He was skeptical, but willing to give the $50.00 just to see what kind of deal he would end up with. He met with the lady that had the car for sale and gave her the $50, and she gave him the title. He then asked her why she was selling an $18,000 valued car for such a ridicules price.

She then said that her husband had died recently and in the will, it stipulated that this car was to be sold and the proceeds of the vehicle were to go to his mistress.

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Corporate

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys - all on different levels, some climbing up. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

All the time, the monkeys on the top will get the fruits, first, and most of the time, they will eventually produce SHIT for all the monkeys below. And all the time, that's what the monkeys below will get.

For those monkeys who are climbing up, they have to first kiss plenty of ass in order to move up. How high they climb, will have to depend on how good they kiss. And always if the one on top will not kiss any ass, his ass will get KICKED !!!

During times of great difficulties and hardship, the monkeys on the top may fall a few branches down and hit the monkeys below. The monkeys below will be fallen upon and eventually some will fall off the tree, as in retrenched. As compensation these monkeys that fell off get to keep the fruits that were shaken off the tree during the commotion. The tree becomes lighter and life slowly returns to normal.

And that my friends is what we call a Corporate Life Cycle

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Bugged

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned "What if the place is still bugged?"

The groom says "I'll look for a bug". He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug "AHA!" Under the rug was a disk with four screws. He gets his Swiss Army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disk out the window.

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, "How was your room?", "How was the service?", "How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"

The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"

The hotel manager says "Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them!"

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Johnny

Johnny says, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister's in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade!"

The teacher had had enough. As a result, she took Johnny to the principal's office and explained Johnny's request. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Johnny's teacher that he would give the boy a test and if Johnny failed to answer any of the special questions, he was to go back to the first grade and behave.

The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought into the room. The principal told Johnny his terms and Johnny agreed.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Johnny: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Johnny: "36"

Principal: "What is 9 x 9?"

Johnny: "81"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. Johnny appeared to have a strong case. The principal looked at the teacher and told her, "I think Johnny can go on to the third grade." The teacher, knowing Little Johnny's tendency toward sexual wisecracks, said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions before we make that decision?"

The principal and Johnny both agreed, Johnny with a sly look on his face.

The teacher began by asking, "What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2 of?"

Johnny: "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal's eyes open wide! Before he could stop Johnny 's expected answer, Johnny said, "Pockets."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "I think we should put Johnny in the fifth grade. I missed the last two questions myself!"

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Drowning

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man started to scream for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I"ll give you a hundred dollars." The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?" The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law." The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

 

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Managers

A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they went to the flagpole with a ladder and measuring tape.

They keeping falling off the ladder, dropping the tape and the whole thing is in a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they are trying to do. He walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lay it flat, measure it from end to end, gives the measurement to one the managers and walks away.

After the engineer left, one manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer? We are looking for the height and he gives us the length!"

Moral of the Story : No matter how ingenious you are. Managers can always find fault with it.
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Ear Rings

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings." "Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly. "So, really? How  long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

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Help Desk Calls

NETCOM'S MACINTOSH SUPPORT

NETCOM: Hello, my name is John. Can I have your user name please?

CALLER: Uh, my user name? Uh, I don't think I have one yet.

NETCOM: How can I help you today?

CALLER: Well alright, I git his computer like two days ago and I was trying to "surf the web" yesterday, and everything on the screen just stopped, it just.. nothing was happening. So I called this number and someone told me that the computer was frozen. So last night I wheeled the computer cart over near the fireplace to unfreeze it, and I was up this morning and it's just ruined. Like the screen is blank, it doesn't work anymore.

NETCOM: Uh, you can't get it started or anything?

CALLER: No, I mean I tried - the on switch is melted.

NETCOM: (Long silence) All right, so you can't even turn on your computer?

CALLER: No, I mean, I don't know what kind of training or what kind of advice you guys give, he told me it was frozen. I put it right near the fireplace, and now it's just, not it's just goo.

NETCOM: (Long pause) All riht, if it was frozen, that would have mean't to turn it off and turn it on again.

CALLER: Turn if off and on? (Angrily) I mean I called and the guy said it was frozen and it was easy to take care of, so I - he didn't say anything about that. He just said it was frozen. And when things are frozen, they're cold.

NETCOM: No, when a system is frozen it means it's locked up.

CALLER: He didn't explain that. I don't know what his name was. He sounded like he was Italian. But I don't know what to do. It's ruined. It wasn't even mine, it was a friend's. I dont know how much these things cost, it's gotta be $100. I mean, I called for your help and now it's ruined. Can I get compensation?

NETCOM: Umm.... (long pause) For something like that, that's - what did he tell you to do?

CALLER: He said, "It's frozen. You gotta warm it back up or boot it up or something."

NETCOM: I could see him saying "boot itup" but as far as "warm it up"...

CALLER: I think he said "warm it up". I mean the back is all gooey, there's wires hanging out ....

1-800-SOS-APPL

APPLE: This is Joe, Can I have your name and telephone number please?

CALLER: Yeah, my name is Jenny and ...

APPLE: Which Mac do you have Jenny?

CALLER: Power?

APPLE: Okay, how can I help you?

CALLER: I was just trying to check the spelling of this paper I wrote and a box came up on the screen that said it couldn't find the spell file or something . So I was wondering if you could help me figure out if it's kind of like the blackish one, or if it's got anything to do with these wires on the left. Do you know what I mean?

APPLE: Er... you're in a word processing application and you need to spell check and it's not finding the dictionary or whatever.

CALLER: Yaeh, like that spell file? So I'm, like looking for the file.

APPLE: Okay, most applications are going to have it in the folder that the application is stored in. So what application are you in?

CALLER: Word 6

APPLE: So when you select the spell thing, does it bring up a window that lets you kind of maneuver around and try to find that file? What's on your screen?

CALLER: Well, I'm kind of maneuvering around in, like, the blackish part. The screen... it totally just says that they can't find the file, and so I guess I just undid the back of it. Do you know what I mean?

APPLE: The computer?

CALLER: Yeah, and I'm thinking it's probably back here somewhere, the file. So the computer's on...

APPLE: Uh-huh

CALLER: There's some wires and stuff back here.

APPLE: So you took the back off the computer?

CALLER: Yeah.

APPLE: Okay, go ahead and put the back on, or whatever you've taken off. Put that back on there.

CALLER: OUCH. Jesus! NO, see, it's still on and I keep touching this metal part and it's really -

APPLE: Okay, go ahead and turn it off first.

CALLER: See, like, I don't know. Like I really just feel like it's probably back here somewhere.

APPLE: See, the file's going to be stored on the hard drive - it's not actually going to be physically back there anywhere.

CALLER: Well. It's not really quite that simple. My paper's really due in a couple of hours and I need to just check the - OUCH! - the spelling and I'm trying to find this file.

APPLE: Right

CALLER: But you're right, I did undo the back of the computer looking for the file. I pretty much pulled out a number of wires and I was thinking it would be back here.

APPLE: Okay, well, it's actually not going to be back there. Go ahead and turn the computer off while you're pulling stuff around. I don't want you to fry yourself, much less your computer.

CALLER: Huh?

APPLE: We can find it. If it's installed on your computer, we can find it.

CALLER: OUCH! Oh! Oh my God! I think it just went blank! Do you think I lost my paper?

APPLE: Wel, if you haven't saved it recently, you might have.

CALLER: Save.. save. Oh man. Okay I'm just going to reflip this switch here. Okay, it made this kind of funny sound, but I think it's back on. Oh weird. There's all these lines. all right. I'm just gonna check out the back again.

APPLE: I'll tell you what. The back is completely useless for us right now. It's not going to be any good trying to find a file on the computer there. Can you get back to the front of the computer? Go to your mouse... You said you are in Word 6?

CALLER: Yeah

APPLE: Okay, open up your hard drive. And let's find the Word 6 file, wherever you've got Word 6 stored.

CALLER: Oh wait! I think I found it. I think I found the file

APPLE: Okay

CALLER: I'm just going to pull this part out -

APPLE: You're pulling something out of the computer?

CALLER: The file. This is right. No seriously. I think I found this part.

APPLE: Play?

CALLER: In the back. If I just pull out this one wire. Do you, is that right do you think?

APPLE: Yeah, that's the Microsoft Spell Checker wire file.. Probably you don't want to be pulling on that.....Upblue

First God made

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman.

He said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God said, "An arm and a leg."

Adam said "What can I get for a just a rib?"

The rest is history.Upblue

Evils of liquor

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class (((editors note... Johnny is in this class))) a lesson about the evils of liquor. So, he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!!!!!!"Upblue

Drunk

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over

backwards and lands flat on his rear end.

That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

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Clinton Patch

President Clinton had been walking around the White House and going to meetings all day with a pair of pink ladies' panties on his arm. Reporters and staff observed this phenomenon and wondered what he was doing.

At an afternoon press conference, Sam Donaldson got brave enough to ask him why he had a pair of ladies' panties on his arm.

The President replied: "It's the patch, I'm trying to quit."Upblue

 

Advice to Men

  • The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear.
  • The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of how you successfully aim at the toilet rim.
  • If we're watching football with you--it's not bonding--it's the butts.
  • If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on your payday.
  • Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.
  • Don't fret if you find out that the milkman delivers more than once a day.
  • Please don't drive when you're not driving.
  • Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.
  • Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths you take. *teehee* (^_^)
  • If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed.
  • The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.
  • If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"?
  • Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care.
  • When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.
  • Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life--you'll never see the 'island' coming.
  • Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist.
  • Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that Y chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed.
  • Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.
  • Your balding is a good thing--it subsidizes our hair care expenses.Upblue

 

Bad Day

 

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.

He stays like that for half-an-hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."Upblue

  

Desserted

A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 5-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do, so for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and longed for his old life and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said. "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did."

He was confused. "Then how did you get the rowboat?"

"Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of materials that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"B-B-But that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the other side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware.

"But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time. "Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said.

After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked to the shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like a drink?"

"No, no thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.

After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto it's end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?"

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines - strategically positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..." She stared into his eyes.

He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You mean--?" he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here..?" Upblue

Hair Cut

A man walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away, Joe asks "What's up?"

The man proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome.

"ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You'd be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," the man replies.

"TWA?!" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late! So where you staying in Rome?"

The man says "We'll be at the downtown International Marriot."

"That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they're overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?"

The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope."

"HA! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You're going to need it!"

A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says, "Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!"

"No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot!"

"Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described." "No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling. It's the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!"

"Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!"

"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?"

"Oh, not much really. Just "Where'd you get that awful haircut?" Upblue

Gold

The morning after a night on the town in Minneapolis, Bob told his friend about the Golden Club that he had been drinking in. Everything in the club was lined with gold. The glasses had a gold rim, the rail on the bar was plated with gold, even the urinals were gold plated.

Bob was ready to believe his buddy until he mentioned the gold plated urinals so he phoned the Golden Club. "Is it true that the glasses in your club have a gold rim?" Bob asked.

"Yes, it's true" replied the voice on the other end.

"And is the rail on the bar plated with gold?" asked Bob.

"Yes it is" was the reply from the other end. "

"And, one more thing, is it true that the urinals are gold plated?" inquired Bob.

Bob could hear the person on the other end yell to the band "Hey Joe, I think I found the guy that took a leak in your saxophone last night!"

Upblue

In Church

One day Mr. Jones went to talk with the Minister of his Church

"Reverend," he said, "I have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the Minister. "Take this pin with you. I'll be able to tell when she's falling asleep, and I will motion to you. When I do, you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin."

In Church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "...And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, motioning to Mr. Jones.

"Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pin.

"Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the Minister. Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the Minister noticed herdozing.

"Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning toward Mr. Jones.

"God!" cried Mrs. Jones as she was again stuck with the pin.

"Right again, Mrs. Jones," said the Minister, smiling and continuing with his sermon. Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again.

However, this time the Minister didn't notice as he picked up the tempo of his sermon. Finally he made a motion that Mr. Jones mistook as the signal to wake his wife. He was just sticking her with the pin when the Minister asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!" Upblue

Bill's House

Bill, the foreman and the furniture....

Now that Bill Gates is moving into his new house the following is a conversation heard last week.

Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."

Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"

Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated."

Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."

Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."

Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."

Bill: "Stacker?"

Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done." Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."

Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."

Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."

Bill: "You're kidding!?"

Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."

Bill: "sigh Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."

Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."

Bill: "And how do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work."

Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"

Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it."

Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"

Contractor: "Oh, in your next house -- which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..." Upblue

Constipation

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary K and said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."

"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"

"Oh Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know." So Jack sold her the brandy.

Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine? And she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.

A crowd was gathering. Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! And you told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"

Sister Mary K. didn't miss a beat as she replied, "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's gonna shit!" Upblue

Computer Scientist

A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The doctor remarked "Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The civil engineer interrupted and said "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The computer scientist leaned back in his chair, smiled, and said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?" Upblue

Doctor Jokes

This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"

Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.

Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.

Patient: OH NO! That's awful! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???

Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.


Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.

Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid bastard!!!!!


Patient walks into a doctor's office.

Patient: Doctor, people ignore me.

Doctor: Next!


Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?

Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.


Patient: My tongue tingles when I touch it to a cracked walnut wrapped in used toaster oven aluminum foil, what's wrong with me?

Doctor: You have far too much free time. Upblue

Fast Car

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1997, Nitro ZR1. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light.
An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies "A 1997 Nitro ZR1. They cost $500,000."
"That's a lot of money" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside? "Sure" replies the owner.
So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Nitro ZR1?" the young man asks himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped!
"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Nitro ZR1?"
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and Jesus to Betsy, it is the old man!!! Of course the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man groans and replies "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!" Upblue

Professionals

Jeff was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Jeff was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning, and live a new life!
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see . . .size 44 long." Jeff laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Jeff tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Jeff admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Jeff thought for a moment and then said, "Sure . . ." The salesman eyed Jeff and said, "Let's see. . .34 sleeve and . . .16 and a half neck"
Jeff was surprised, "That's right! How did you know?"
"It's my job."
Jeff tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Jeff adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Jeff was on a roll and said, "Sure . . ." The salesman eyed Jeff's feet and said, "Let's see. . .9 and a half. . .wide."
Jeff was astonished. "That's right! How did you know?"
"It's my job."
Jeff tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Jeff walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Jeff said, "Sure . . " The salesman eyed Jeff's head and said, "Let's see. . .7 5/8."
Jeff was incredulous, "That's right! How did you know?"
"It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Jeff was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Jeff thought for a second and said, "Sure . . "
The salesman stepped back, eyed Jeff's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."
Jeff laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
Upblue

Docisms

God heals -- doctors just send the bills.
Here's a little list of "Doc-isms" -- What doctors say, and what they're really thinking:

"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time.
--or--
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...

"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.

"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.
Upblue

Women

Element: Woman
Symbol: Wo
Atomic weight: 120 (more or less)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amount of exotic food. Turns slighly green when placed beside a better specimen. Ages rapidly.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for disintegration of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands
Upblue

Men

Element: MAN
Symbol: XY
Common Names: Varies anywhere from John to !@#$% &*?
Atomic weight:180+/-100
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature but easily gets bent out of shape. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young fresh samples.
Chemical properties: Attempt to bond with Wo any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with kd (element kid) for a prolonged period of time. Pretty basic, neutralise by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None really, except methane production. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
Upblue

Corridor

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a trolly bed by a lady in a white dress and brought to the corridor. Before they enter the room she leaves her behind the theater door to go in and check whether everything is ready.
A young man in a white coat approaches, takes the sheet away and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over and does the same examinations.
When the third man starts examining her body so closely, she grows impatient and says, "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders. "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."
Upblue

The New Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "Next Sunday why don't you try putting a little vodka in your chalice to help you relax?" So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice and talked up a storm. After mass he again asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor said fine, but there were a few small details that had to be straightened out.
1) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
2) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
3) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
4) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
5) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
6) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
7) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
8) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
9) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
10) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
11) Moses parted water at the Red Sea, He didn't pass water.
12) We do not refer to Judas as El Finko.
13) The Blessed Virgin Mary will not be called Mary with the Cherry.
14) And finally, we do not refer to the Pope as the Godfather.
.Upblue

Perfect

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of the passengers survived the accident.
Who was the survivor????

Scroll down for answer
.
.
.

















The perfect woman! Everyone know there is no Santa Claus, and no such thing as a perfect man.
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Helicopter

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it up in the buildings window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to Seattle/Tacoma airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded "I knew that the tall building had to be MICROSOFT headquarters because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer." Upblue

No Ears

There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears.
Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.
He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears." The man got really upset and threw the guy out.
The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.
Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"
The guy replied "Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses."
Surprised, the man then asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?"
The guy burst out laughing and said, "You can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!"
Upblue

Chain Letter

Dear Friend,


This chain letter started with the hope of bringing relief and happiness to all unhappy wives/girlfriends. Unlike most chain letters, this does not cost money. Simply send a copy of this letter to six of your women friends who are equally unhappy. Then bundle up your man and send him to the woman whose name is at the top of the list and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your name comes to the top , you will receive 16,487 men.

Have faith in the letter --- ONE WOMAN BROKE THE CHAIN AND GOT HER MAN BACK. Don't let this happen to you!


Sincerely,


A Good Friend
Upblue

The Parrot

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky, you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you bitch!" Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now or I'll kick your ass!"
Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you're a ballsy bastard!"

Upblue

Engineers

There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down.
"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical engineer.
"Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system."
"I thought it might be an grounding problem", says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead."
They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say:
"Well, what do you think?"
"Ummm - perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"
Upblue

Punctuations

Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?

Gloria



Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?

Yours,

Gloria Upblue

Queen Fart

The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored. "Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that." "It's quite understandable," said the archbishop, and after a moment added, "as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse." Upblue

Prince Fart

The Queen and Prince Phillip are walking in the grounds of Buckingham Palace with Tony Blair when Tony lets go with a real rasper of a fart.

"How dare you do that in front of my wife !!" says Phillip

"I'm so sorry" says Tony "I didn't realise it was her turn" Upblue

EuroEnglish

The European Commission just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c"..sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the languag is disgracful, and they should go away. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations ov leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a rele sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and avrivun, al ze pepls, vil find it eze tu understand ech ozer. Upblue

Wild Guess

On a special Teachers Day, a teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "bet I know what it is, some flowers."

"That's right" said the boy, "but how did you know that?"

"Oh just a wild guess," she said

The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift over head, shook it, and said, " I bet I can guess what it is, a box of candy."

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.

"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held it overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked.

"No" the boy replied.

The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No" the boy replied.

The teacher then said, "I give up, what is it?"

The boy replied, "A puppy!" Upblue

Out Run

Two guys are in the jungle when they see a lion running towards them. One guy starts running but other sits down and starts putting on running shoes.

"What the hell are you doing ?" says the first guy "You can't outrun a lion !!"

"I don't have to outrun a lion" says the 2nd "I only have to outrun you "

Upblue

Latinglish

There was a Latino man looking for job. The boss asked, Do you speak English?

Yes, Senor, he replied.

The boss continued,I will test your comprehension, make a sentence with these three words: Green, pink and yellow.

The Latino man laughed,That easy, Senor. Here it is::

The phone GREENS, I PINK it up and say YELLOW Upblue


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