Even More Clean Jokes!
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on
being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it
in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he
ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go
ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day
the local paper carried this headline:
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental
hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the
director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.
A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her
husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a
muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her
husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement
to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, crying.
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three
Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his
cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.
Mrs. Brown were very happy over the twelve pound baby boy
that was born to them. Mr. Brown who could not conceal his delight, called up the editor
of a famous newspaper and reported that he became the proud owner of a twelve pound nugget
of gold. The editor upon hearing the seemingly extraordinary news was rather hesitant to
accept it at its face value. So he sent his star reporter to interview Mr. Brown. When the
reporter came, Mr. Brown was away and his wife was alone at home. The following
interesting conversation took place between the reporter and Mrs. Brown:
It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam
felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest.
A traveling salesman rings the doorbell and 10-year old
Little Johnny answers holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says,
"Little boy, is your mother home?"
"Information? I need the number of the Caseway
She then said that her husband had died recently and in the will, it stipulated that this car was to be sold and the proceeds of the vehicle were to go to his mistress.
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys - all on
different levels, some climbing up. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of
smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
The groom says "I'll look for a bug". He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug "AHA!" Under the rug was a disk with four screws. He gets his Swiss Army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disk out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, "How was your room?", "How was the service?", "How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"
The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"
The hotel manager says "Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them!"
Johnny says, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister's in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade!"
The teacher had had enough. As a result, she took Johnny to the principal's office and explained Johnny's request. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Johnny's teacher that he would give the boy a test and if Johnny failed to answer any of the special questions, he was to go back to the first grade and behave.
The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought into the room. The principal told Johnny his terms and Johnny agreed.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Principal: "What is 9 x 9?"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. Johnny appeared to have a strong case. The principal looked at the teacher and told her, "I think Johnny can go on to the third grade." The teacher, knowing Little Johnny's tendency toward sexual wisecracks, said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions before we make that decision?"
The principal and Johnny both agreed, Johnny with a sly look on his face.
The teacher began by asking, "What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2 of?"
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal's eyes open wide! Before he could stop Johnny 's expected answer, Johnny said, "Pockets."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
"I think we should put Johnny in the fifth grade. I missed the last two questions
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man started to scream for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I"ll give you a hundred dollars." The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?" The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law." The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"
A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they went to the flagpole with a ladder and measuring tape.
They keeping falling off the ladder, dropping the tape and the whole thing is in a mess.
An engineer comes along and sees what they are trying to do. He walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lay it flat, measure it from end to end, gives the measurement to one the managers and walks away.
After the engineer left, one manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer? We are looking for the height and he gives us the length!"
Moral of the Story : No matter how ingenious you are. Managers
can always find fault with it.
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings." "Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly. "So, really? How long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in our bed."
NETCOM'S MACINTOSH SUPPORT
NETCOM: Hello, my name is John. Can I have your user name please?
CALLER: Uh, my user name? Uh, I don't think I have one yet.
NETCOM: How can I help you today?
CALLER: Well alright, I git his computer like two days ago and I was trying to "surf the web" yesterday, and everything on the screen just stopped, it just.. nothing was happening. So I called this number and someone told me that the computer was frozen. So last night I wheeled the computer cart over near the fireplace to unfreeze it, and I was up this morning and it's just ruined. Like the screen is blank, it doesn't work anymore.
NETCOM: Uh, you can't get it started or anything?
CALLER: No, I mean I tried - the on switch is melted.
NETCOM: (Long silence) All right, so you can't even turn on your computer?
CALLER: No, I mean, I don't know what kind of training or what kind of advice you guys give, he told me it was frozen. I put it right near the fireplace, and now it's just, not it's just goo.
NETCOM: (Long pause) All riht, if it was frozen, that would have mean't to turn it off and turn it on again.
CALLER: Turn if off and on? (Angrily) I mean I called and the guy said it was frozen and it was easy to take care of, so I - he didn't say anything about that. He just said it was frozen. And when things are frozen, they're cold.
NETCOM: No, when a system is frozen it means it's locked up.
CALLER: He didn't explain that. I don't know what his name was. He sounded like he was Italian. But I don't know what to do. It's ruined. It wasn't even mine, it was a friend's. I dont know how much these things cost, it's gotta be $100. I mean, I called for your help and now it's ruined. Can I get compensation?
NETCOM: Umm.... (long pause) For something like that, that's - what did he tell you to do?
CALLER: He said, "It's frozen. You gotta warm it back up or boot it up or something."
NETCOM: I could see him saying "boot itup" but as far as "warm it up"...
CALLER: I think he said "warm it up". I mean the back is all gooey, there's wires hanging out ....
APPLE: This is Joe, Can I have your name and telephone number please?
CALLER: Yeah, my name is Jenny and ...
APPLE: Which Mac do you have Jenny?
APPLE: Okay, how can I help you?
CALLER: I was just trying to check the spelling of this paper I wrote and a box came up on the screen that said it couldn't find the spell file or something . So I was wondering if you could help me figure out if it's kind of like the blackish one, or if it's got anything to do with these wires on the left. Do you know what I mean?
APPLE: Er... you're in a word processing application and you need to spell check and it's not finding the dictionary or whatever.
CALLER: Yaeh, like that spell file? So I'm, like looking for the file.
APPLE: Okay, most applications are going to have it in the folder that the application is stored in. So what application are you in?
CALLER: Word 6
APPLE: So when you select the spell thing, does it bring up a window that lets you kind of maneuver around and try to find that file? What's on your screen?
CALLER: Well, I'm kind of maneuvering around in, like, the blackish part. The screen... it totally just says that they can't find the file, and so I guess I just undid the back of it. Do you know what I mean?
APPLE: The computer?
CALLER: Yeah, and I'm thinking it's probably back here somewhere, the file. So the computer's on...
CALLER: There's some wires and stuff back here.
APPLE: So you took the back off the computer?
APPLE: Okay, go ahead and put the back on, or whatever you've taken off. Put that back on there.
CALLER: OUCH. Jesus! NO, see, it's still on and I keep touching this metal part and it's really -
APPLE: Okay, go ahead and turn it off first.
CALLER: See, like, I don't know. Like I really just feel like it's probably back here somewhere.
APPLE: See, the file's going to be stored on the hard drive - it's not actually going to be physically back there anywhere.
CALLER: Well. It's not really quite that simple. My paper's really due in a couple of hours and I need to just check the - OUCH! - the spelling and I'm trying to find this file.
CALLER: But you're right, I did undo the back of the computer looking for the file. I pretty much pulled out a number of wires and I was thinking it would be back here.
APPLE: Okay, well, it's actually not going to be back there. Go ahead and turn the computer off while you're pulling stuff around. I don't want you to fry yourself, much less your computer.
APPLE: We can find it. If it's installed on your computer, we can find it.
CALLER: OUCH! Oh! Oh my God! I think it just went blank! Do you think I lost my paper?
APPLE: Wel, if you haven't saved it recently, you might have.
CALLER: Save.. save. Oh man. Okay I'm just going to reflip this switch here. Okay, it made this kind of funny sound, but I think it's back on. Oh weird. There's all these lines. all right. I'm just gonna check out the back again.
APPLE: I'll tell you what. The back is completely useless for us right now. It's not going to be any good trying to find a file on the computer there. Can you get back to the front of the computer? Go to your mouse... You said you are in Word 6?
APPLE: Okay, open up your hard drive. And let's find the Word 6 file, wherever you've got Word 6 stored.
CALLER: Oh wait! I think I found it. I think I found the file
CALLER: I'm just going to pull this part out -
APPLE: You're pulling something out of the computer?
CALLER: The file. This is right. No seriously. I think I found this part.
CALLER: In the back. If I just pull out this one wire. Do you, is that right do you think?
APPLE: Yeah, that's the Microsoft Spell Checker wire file.. Probably you don't want to be pulling on that.....
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman.
He said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God said, "An arm and a leg."
Adam said "What can I get for a just a rib?"
The rest is history.
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class (((editors note... Johnny is in this class))) a lesson about the evils of liquor. So, he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!!!!!!"
backwards and lands flat on his rear end.
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
At an afternoon press conference, Sam Donaldson got brave enough to ask him why he had a pair of ladies' panties on his arm.
The President replied: "It's the patch, I'm trying to quit."
There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half-an-hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."
A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 5-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do, so for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and longed for his old life and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said. "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did."
He was confused. "Then how did you get the rowboat?"
"Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of materials that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"B-B-But that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the other side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware.
"But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time. "Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said.
After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked to the shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like a drink?"
"No, no thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto it's end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?"
When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines - strategically positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..." She stared into his eyes.
A man walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away, Joe asks "What's up?"
The man proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome.
"ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You'd be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," the man replies.
"TWA?!" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late! So where you staying in Rome?"
The man says "We'll be at the downtown International Marriot."
"That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they're overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?"
The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope."
"HA! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You're going to need it!"
A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says, "Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!"
"No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot!"
"Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described." "No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling. It's the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!"
"Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!"
"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?"
The morning after a night on the town in Minneapolis, Bob told his friend about the Golden Club that he had been drinking in. Everything in the club was lined with gold. The glasses had a gold rim, the rail on the bar was plated with gold, even the urinals were gold plated.
Bob was ready to believe his buddy until he mentioned the gold plated urinals so he phoned the Golden Club. "Is it true that the glasses in your club have a gold rim?" Bob asked.
"Yes, it's true" replied the voice on the other end.
"And is the rail on the bar plated with gold?" asked Bob.
"Yes it is" was the reply from the other end. "
"And, one more thing, is it true that the urinals are gold plated?" inquired Bob.
Bob could hear the person on the other end yell to the band "Hey Joe, I think I found the guy that took a leak in your saxophone last night!"
One day Mr. Jones went to talk with the Minister of his Church
"Reverend," he said, "I have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the Minister. "Take this pin with you. I'll be able to tell when she's falling asleep, and I will motion to you. When I do, you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin."
In Church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "...And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, motioning to Mr. Jones.
"Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pin.
"Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the Minister. Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the Minister noticed herdozing.
"Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning toward Mr. Jones.
"God!" cried Mrs. Jones as she was again stuck with the pin.
"Right again, Mrs. Jones," said the Minister, smiling and continuing with his sermon. Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again.
However, this time the Minister didn't notice as he picked up the tempo of his sermon. Finally he made a motion that Mr. Jones mistook as the signal to wake his wife. He was just sticking her with the pin when the Minister asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Bill, the foreman and the furniture....
Now that Bill Gates is moving into his new house the following is a conversation heard last week.
Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."
Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"
Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated."
Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."
Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."
Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."
Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done." Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."
Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."
Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."
Bill: "You're kidding!?"
Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."
Bill: "sigh Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."
Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."
Bill: "And how do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work."
Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"
Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it."
Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"
Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary K and said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."
"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"
"Oh Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know." So Jack sold her the brandy.
Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine? And she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.
A crowd was gathering. Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! And you told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"
A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The doctor remarked "Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The civil engineer interrupted and said "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession in the world."
This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"
Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.
Patient: OH NO! That's awful! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???
Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.
Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid bastard!!!!!
Patient walks into a doctor's office.
Patient: Doctor, people ignore me.
Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?
Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.
Patient: My tongue tingles when I touch it to a cracked walnut wrapped in used toaster oven aluminum foil, what's wrong with me?
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1997, Nitro ZR1. It is the
best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a
spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light.
Jeff was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly
hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to
suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he
finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure
your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare
condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The
pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove
God heals -- doctors just send the bills.
A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a trolly
bed by a lady in a white dress and brought to the corridor. Before they enter the room she
leaves her behind the theater door to go in and check whether everything is ready.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he
asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "Next Sunday why don't
you try putting a little vodka in your chalice to help you relax?" So the next Sunday
he took the monsignor's advice and talked up a storm. After mass he again asked the
monsignor how he had done. The monsignor said fine, but there were a few small details
that had to be straightened out.
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a
perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction
disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to
the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to
steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a
handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said
"WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to
the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it up in the buildings window. Their sign said
"YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map,
determined the course to steer to Seattle/Tacoma airport, and landed safely. After they
were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A
HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded "I knew
that the tall building had to be MICROSOFT headquarters because they gave me a technically
correct, but completely useless answer."
There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only
permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this
"unusual" handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears.
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him.
He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a
whisky, you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and
forgets the coffee.
There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical
engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down.
The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables
when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored. "Oh
dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about
that." "It's quite understandable," said the archbishop, and after a moment
added, "as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse."
The Queen and Prince Phillip are walking in the grounds of Buckingham Palace with Tony
Blair when Tony lets go with a real rasper of a fart.
The European Commission just announced an agreement whereby English will be the
official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part
of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room
for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as
"EuroEnglish". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft
"c"..sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard
"c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up
konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm
in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased with the
"f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the third
year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more
komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double
letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the
horible mes of the silent "e"s in the languag is disgracful, and they should go
away. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary
"o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud
of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations ov leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a rele
sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and avrivun, al ze pepls, vil
find it eze tu understand ech ozer.
On a special Teachers Day, a teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "bet I know what it is, some flowers."
"That's right" said the boy, "but how did you know that?"
"Oh just a wild guess," she said
The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift over head, shook it, and said, " I bet I can guess what it is, a box of candy."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.
"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held it overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No" the boy replied.
The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No" the boy replied.
The teacher then said, "I give up, what is it?"
Two guys are in the jungle when they see a lion running towards them. One guy starts running but other sits down and starts putting on running shoes.
"What the hell are you doing ?" says the first guy "You can't outrun a lion !!"
"I don't have to outrun a lion" says the 2nd "I only have to outrun you "
There was a Latino man looking for job. The boss asked, Do you speak English?
Yes, Senor, he replied.
The boss continued,I will test your comprehension, make a sentence with these three words: Green, pink and yellow.
The Latino man laughed,That easy, Senor. Here it is::
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